Today I woke up and went through the same morning routine of brushing my teeth, showering, blow drying my hair, dressing, packing my lunch and getting out in time for the work day. The only difference is I became one of those depressing characters in a sad comedy where they go through all of these motions, bawling their eyes out.

This would be the first day that I would go through, without having my best friend in my life to cheer me up and on.

As I entered my workplace, I was greeted by many who noticed straight away that something was up. My boss took me into her office and tried to comfort me. I spent 40 minutes crying, talking, reflecting, and focusing on what I had to do for the day and how I would get through it.

I got visits from various co-workers who became awkward when trying to comfort me. I don't like people in my space and took great comfort in them being confused as to how they could cheer me up without touching me. I felt like Temple Grandin who needed a squeeze machine in order to calm my nerves down.

The outpour of support came throughout the day; from visits, to phone calls, to text messages, and emails. And all this to say, this wasn't the support that I wanted. These weren't the people that I wanted to hear from. My aunt and uncle who held me closely, weren't the ones that I wanted to cling to.

I never thought that I'd be able to become so attached to someone. I never thought that I could be so affected by someone, and as I sat there in the hotel room, listening to him respond to my questions, all I thought was, "I am losing my best friend".

I felt like I was hit in the gut, though I knew that this was one of the potential outcomes. I gave no ultimatums, but I showed that I was ready to make that step towards making a stronger "us". The sad part is, I don't hate him. He isn't a jerk. He's just a really sad person who is not at a good place in his life.

He loves me and I am was his confidant. He likes the way we are and how easy it is to be together, he just isn't in that stage to be able to say what he wants in life, or what he deserves in life, and knows it isn't fair to keep me waiting.

So here I begin, my journey on refocusing/restructuring/rebuilding my life.

It sucks-