On Friday night into Saturday morning, I had this really horrible dream that I was with him and a group of my friends. We were in his hometown at a large arena, filled with a lot of people. There was a competition taking place, similar to a huge dodgeball tournament, but was supposed to be like the competition in the Hunger Games. The winner did not die in this case, just walked away with a heck of a lot of prizes.

In the process of this tournament I kind of lost contact with everyone that I was there with. I was really into the game and at the end of it, I could not find him. I came across one of my best friends who had won all of these prizes. We were escorted out of the arena, I couldn't find him. I had no contact on my phone as there were too many people in the same area trying to use their phones. A married couple that I am friends with offered me a lift. I thought they were going to drive me to the front of the building, but they didn't. They drove further and further away. All I thought was, I'm trying to find him. Please turn back.

We parked the car at a restaurant and as they went in, I saw that I had a call from him coming in. I answered it, eager to ask where he was, that my phone wasn't working and that I wanted to try to find him. He didn't even give me that chance and simply said, you always picked your friends, you never gave us a chance and hung up while I was in mid sentence saying, "I never wanted to pick my friends. I want to pick you."

I forced myself awake. I was upset. The dream was so vivid, so real. Okay, perhaps the dodgeball competition was a little unrealistic, but the feelings of loss and sorrow were real enough that this dream became a nightmare that I did not want to be part of. I opened my eyes and felt as though the lights on my phone were brightening up my room to let me know that I have a new message coming in. The things is, the phone was under a pillow and no where in sight., but when I pulled my phone out to see the time, I saw that I had some messages. I got two...from him.


At 3 to 3:30 he sent two different messages. One stating that he wasn't single enough to deal with the immaturity of his drunken friends. That it was his Friday night out and even though he knew I didn't care, that yes he was thinking about me. His second message apologized for writing me and ended with a little playful comment.

It was now 6ish in the morning and my gut reaction was to call him. The phone rang and rang and then I got his voicemail and hung up. I wrote two of my really good friends and thought, am I nuts? Why am I doing this? My stomach was doing flip flops and I tried my best to fall back asleep.

Later in the morning I spoke to my friend. He said to be very careful that I don't get satisfied or receive gratification over these little things. That I may get really excited over this and think that it'll go back to being one way, but it may be the exact opposite of what I think and could end up being really upset in the end.

I still hadn't responded to the message, though my missed call should have shown up on the phone. I sat in my bathroom, the only quiet room in my house, and debated what message I would send to him. I started typing explaining I had a bad dream, saw his message and didn't know how I was supposed to react to it all. The moment I hit send, he responded. I was a little shocked as he usually sleeps in quite late after a night out with friends. As I continued to type to him I thought, I was going to give him a week before my first phone call anyway, why not just call him and get it over with.

I was crying when he answered. He said how much he missed hearing from me and talking to me during the week. It as just valentine's day this week and the profile picture that I posted on my phone upset him enough to excuse himself from his training sessions because he was about to cry and needed to get himself settled. He also asked if I spoke to our friends that are married. I asked him why he asked. He responded that the husband had written him asking if he was okay. He said that got to him too.

I brought up a conversation that I've had before with a co-worker of mine, that Sean never fully understood. What happened was I met one of my brother's friends and asked him straight away if he had a girlfriend. He responded yes and I asked him how long they were together. After he responded, I asked him if he was going to marry her. I guess my pushy and nosey European roots were shining that day. He responded that he didn't know and I said that doesn't make sense.

Now, currently on the phone with him, I brought this conversation up, simply because he never thought that this idea made sense. So I said to him, okay, you may not know 100 percent that she is the one, but you always know 100 percent when she isn't the one. And if you know that she doesn't fit in the latter category, then you are at the point where you aren't sure if you want to take that leap of faith with the person in your life. I asked him if I am in the latter category. He said no.

I later said that I cannot imagine a future without him. I didn't want to imagine a future without him, but that if I had to endure a future without him, that I know I would get through it. He said he understood. At the end of our conversation, things were a little quiet. I told him that I missed him. He responded that he knew and almost immediately, I miss you too. Just like my friend had said to me earlier, instant gratification may not lead to anything else in the future, but it just flew out of my mouth.